Being Alone

  I genuinely get confused when people say they don't like being alone or perform actions that show they fear being by themselves. What is it about you that you're so afraid of being alone with and why on earth would you think I want to be alone with you if you can't even be alone with you? What are you running so hard from that you have to fill that void with so many other things. And I suppose that's the thing; filling a void instead of just being a whole person. We are to be whole beings and we can only complete our wholeness. Anything outside of us should be an extension of us and that's why alone time is so important because it gives you a chance to figure you out outside of yourself, if that makes sense. But the thing is it starts with figuring you out and most of us don't even know who we are. Our "whole" is parts comprised of our environments and experiences and not our own being; we're everything around us not everything in us. Who we are is within. There is no tweet, instagram post, blog post, book, video, etc that will ever be able to accurately describe who we are. Only we possess that power but we spend so much time on worldly things that we don't even know who we are at the core. Hell, I can admit I don't in full but I'm surely on my journey to figure it out. One thing is for sure I've stayed true to my favorite color being purple, I don't like eggs or pig feet, I can only drink almond milk, and I enjoy reading books. That I do know about myself for sure. And of course it's more but those are some things I've stayed true to and didn't allow my external environment to change that about me. I for sure took a break from reading but I found my way back to it for sure. I do know I enjoy consistent change. I like to know that I won't expect the same things all the time; it is permanent that things will always change. That's satisfying to know because I don't enjoy stagnancy. I get too bored too easily. I'm an Aries rising so I need those constant bursts of excitement with a hint of chaos. Just a hint. 

I've discovered talents I didn't know I had. Being alone is actually how I discovered that I know how to draw. It was during NTC (national training center) July 2019 and we were in the field with no phones. I had moments of being alone in the vehicle watching it so I had to find ways to entertain myself. What better way than with a pen and some paper. It went from me drawing shapes to me actually formulating an art piece which I now have tattooed on me because I'm that damn proud of my own work. It got many compliments but even before the compliments I stood proud in my work. I discovered a talent I thought I might have had but that moment confirmed it. Drawing became my safe space, my niche, my passion. It was my sweet escape for my alone moments for the duration of NTC and throughout the deployment itself; now I have at least 7-10 pieces of art drawn and painted by me. Wanna know how? Because I used that time alone to discover a passion that, if I wanted to, I could get financially compensated for it. However, I thoroughly enjoy artwork so it will stay a passion. It's not something I want to become a requirement because it's not something I enjoy doing often. I enjoy doing it when I need an escape from the world or something inspires me to create. That is how I find my passion versus my craft. 

In any other instance, I'm an Aquarius--stellium at that--so being alone is home to me. I am my own home. I choose to share my home with other people and I get to control the traffic of who comes in and out of my home and even how long they get to stay. Before I became self-aware I allowed people to stay longer than they were supposed to. I mean I had people living rent free in my home; no contributions just vibes. That may stem from my stellium being in my 11th house, along with my venus; people love me, I don't like people though. Not everyone at least. People find themselves attracted to me in various ways, and it's easy for me to make connections, but people don't understand my nature that just because we connect does not mean we have to ALWAYS connect. I enjoy my space. I enjoy just being to myself. I enjoy sitting along with my thoughts and emotions (emotions? on an aquarius? and she likes it? I know). I enjoy doing some of my favorite activities alone as well. Making plans with people and spending time with others sounds good in theory, but I'm also very energy sensitive and cannot allow just anyone into my energetic field, aka my home,  therefore not everyone is welcome nor is everyone welcome to stay long periods of time. It's a balance, a need for this balance, and not everyone understands this balance and that's okay. Those who take the time to truly understand me as a person will know that I would like for you in my home but I don't need to always know you're home. Sometimes let me forget that you exist so that when I do acknowledge your presence again the joy of seeing you is authentic, not expected.